And now, the end is near and so I face the final curtain ....

Which actually sounds like I'm about to leave my mortal coil, which is wrong, maybe I should have gone for something slightly less, I dunno, maudlin as my title? Anyway, however sad the lyrics, I've always loved Frank Sinatra's 'My Way' after a booze fuelled college trip to Spain when I was 17, during which myself and 5 friends (one of whom is now top chef and all round good guy Tom Kerridge) got absolutely rat arsed after a trip to Rioja and ended up singing this, at the top of our voices, whilst walking across a sleepy Spanish town square. Bet they loved us. Anyway, fond memories (not of the rioja though, I'm still not able to drink red wine since that very night. Work of the devil. That and Southern Comfort. Bleuughh,  they're like my version of Superman's kryptonite!) Anyway, here I am, ensconced at my Mum's house, with 3 small children,, whilst husband has landed and started the process of getting settled in New Zealand. I know right? When did it all go from 'are we doing the right thing' to 'the real estate guy wants $1500 up front to secure our rental house' .... scary, scary times!

We bid a hideously sad farewell to our little house and all our belongings. Truth be told it was horrendous, absolutely horrendous. I spent the best part of the time between Christmas and New Year in tears, there were boxes everywhere, no sign of me and the children's visas, imminent departure of husband to contend with and saying farewell to our family home. It all got a bit much. Factor in that we had Christmas with 3 small children (and 4 different days with grandparents - the joys of having divorced parents), Mum in law's wedding and my God daughter's christening so emotional 'this will be the last time we do x,y and z' thoughts abounding for everyone - it all made for a tired and tearful family Tovey.

Thankfully things have improved, once the house contents were packed up and gone the process of trying to see our house as 'just a house', as opposed to 'home', was easier. I've managed to emotionally detach from it since all sign of us and the children was removed, though I still get a pang when I walk in to pick up post/switch on the heating and expect to see our things and hear the children bombing round. I also find myself going up and sitting in Leni's old room, which was always the nursery, and trying to capture and hold on to the memories of decorating it for J's arrival, then Ol's and finally Len's. Each nail and screw in the wall takes me back to putting up pictures and shelves for each of them and I will admit I can get quite tearful. I have to remind myself that I actually still have the kids, and how much K and I actually hated DIY and therefore each screw and nail also has an attached memory of he and I bitching at each other! Generally as I accused him of not putting shelves up straight or him accusing me (rightly!) of using blu tac and doing a botch job of putting the bunting up etc Happy days .... hmm, not all the time now I come to think of it! Still, this beautiful old house has seen every major event in our lives for the last 7 years, and they're the biggies, children, getting married etc so it will always hold a special place in my heart. The friends and neighbours we have here are the biggest wrench. We genuinely have some of our closest friends living 2 doors down and 7 doors up and that will be impossible to replace.

I'm dreading the day I close the door of that house for the last time, I know it will be hard, but even now, I still know 100% that what we're doing is the right thing for us. I hope that sustains me in the coming 2.5 weeks because the goodbyes are gong to be a killer. I need to keep focused on the end result - 3 children, living slightly feral by the beach, surrounded by some of the spectacular scenery anywhere in the world. I need to close my eyes and remember the picture on our fridge that started all this .... mountains, clear skies, vast open spaces and the need to give the children an opportunity that we didn't want to pass them by. Deep breaths as I face my own personal 'final curtain' ,saying goodbye to my amazing family and friends. Come on Frank, do your stuff, let's give 'em a rousing chorus ....